Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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