i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
