I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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