Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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