Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
