Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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