I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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