and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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