Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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