I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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