come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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