the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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