I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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