1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
