How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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