he puts the penis in happiness.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
