Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
No subtext here. People are naked.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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