so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
