I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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