My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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