I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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