I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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