Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
