Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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