I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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