he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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