So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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