would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
