I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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