All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
