did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
