Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
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I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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