He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
