hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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