I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
