The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
