dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
