the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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