You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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