I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
