I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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