you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
