Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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