just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
