The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
