At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
