mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
