ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
