I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
