I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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