I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
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she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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