dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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