She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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