also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
