it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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