why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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