Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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