On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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