it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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